The Women of Hope Cottage

The buzzer at the front gate of the women’s shelter buzzes intermittently throughout the day. If you are outside of the gate, you may enter only if you are homeless. Once inside, all basic necessities are provided: food, shelter, companionship and the mercy of Jesus Christ.

The gate has long stood its guard as evidenced by a battered layer of green paint. This is the only entrance to the women’s shelter, and it is kept locked, a different kind of gated community, though it bears a wooden sign with the expectant phrase,

Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
Revelations 3:20

Belinda
Belinda, 45, is small and serious and a willing gatekeeper for the women’s shelter. Interrupting her task of the moment she answers the gate. From a partially opened doorway she eyes newcomers with hesitation, carefully considering each explanation before letting them enter into the courtyard within.

This is Belinda’s third time staying at Hope Cottage, a Christian based homeless shelter in Flagstaff, Ariz. Thumbing through a calendar she points to February 14 and says she will have been clean for 3 years. The history of drug addiction adds gravity to her demeaner. Below her right eye is a faint scar, the impression of a marriage terminated when she was four months pregnant with their fourth son. She keeps her long dark hair efficient, tucked back and simultaneously highlighting a window’s peak on her forehead.

Belinda first arrived at the shelter in 2004 with a drug habit and a husband with a temper. Belinda’s children had been in and out of foster care due to her drug addiction and had opted to live with her mother. This is parallel child rearing compared to Belinda’s youth where, due to an abusive household, she was juggled around the foster care system until she finally lived with her grandparents. She moved out when she married at age 17. They started a family.

“For a while I chose drugs over my kids,” recalls Belinda. “I used to use crystal meth.” Belinda was not at the shelter long during her first stay. Her husband convinced her to leave and move to Phoenix with him. “I accepted the Lord, and I abandoned the Lord,” she says. “We went to move to Phoenix. We were doing the drugs and all that scene.”

Belinda hit a low point and arrived at Hope Cottage for a second time. “I lost everything. My kids would talk to me and everything, but I wouldn’t pay attention. I thought drugs were more important." This time she made the commitment to God and to staying clean.

“On February 14 I’ll have three years clean. I did it for myself, and I did it for my boys, and with God’s help I did it.” She did. She successfully moved out into her own apartment, maintained a job and had achieved what she had set out to do.

“And then I got kind of lonely,” she said. She began to feel lost again. She stopped going to church. “I starting praying and asking God, ‘I need you to help me and show me the way Lord. What do I do?’ And the next thing you know, I’m calling Hope Cottage and telling them, ‘Do you have room?’ And they said, ‘We’ve been expecting you.’”

She gave everything up and moved back to Hope Cottage committing to the Pre-discipleship program, a year of rigorous Biblical study, daily classes and additional personal goal setting and reflection. The program offers space and guidance for participants to deepen their relationship with God. Although participants are required to work part time and save a large percentage of their paycheck, Hope Cottage provides all basic necessities.

Still, there are challenges. “It’s real hard. If you decide to turn your life over to God, it’s still hard. You still have trials. And you still go through a lot of hardships. It’s that base of trust you have to have, and I have that. I’m still working through issues, but I trust God with everything.”

Belinda sees Hope Cottage as a lifestyle choice. When she completes the Pre-discipleship program she would like to work at the shelter, eventually moving to the east side when the second shelter is constructed. She is convinced, “I say, I live at Hope Cottage. That’s my home, and I’m not embarrassed.”

Alice
Alice, 41, is unapologetically tall with a shock of rebellious hair poking out from underneath a faded knit hat. Her eyes are intense but childlike as she energetically explains a concept for a non-profit that she is formulating.

She riffles through a sheaf of papers – donation requests, non-profit forms, various budgets – and starts in on her idea to revive a downtown café. The café used to cater to youth by providing a forum for food, conversation and artistic expression. The café closed its doors recently, and Alice would like to see it reopen with one additional focus of providing resources for homeless youth.

Alice can relate to the plight of the homeless. In 2004 she returned to Flagstaff from a trial venture to California with little money and a longstanding dual albatross of both mental and physical disabilities. She has had two knee surgeries and is preparing for a third. Knee problems trade off their vigils with back pain.

Describing her mental illness she only says, “I am classified as mentally ill. It means to different people different things. I get off base sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing in the world – at least that’s what I’ve been told.”

Alice equates mental health with being on the true pathway of Jesus Christ. When life starts to feel a little too close to the edge she knows she has veered off God’s path. And those times, she says, “Can be so scary that I don’t even want to describe it to you. It’s not something I want to dwell on myself or put myself back into through thinking.”

It was during one of these times near the edge that she knocked on the doors of Hope Cottage. Before that she had been wandering – ‘both physically and spiritually,’ she says. Before that, her frenetic energies went solely into the raising her three children who she lived with in Chicago. But she lost custody of her children at the end of a custody battle when she and her husband divorced. She has not seen them for four years.

She comments, “You can be the most spiritually enlightened person, and you can have not the single first clue on how to exist in a physical world that has demands.” “I would love to see my children. I would love to see what kind of adults they are.”

A Catholic, she distinguishes herself from the born-again teachings of Hope Cottage but credits the program with bringing her back to Jesus Christ. “Sometimes you are ironically placed in different situations, and then you have to cope.”

Spiritual development is a big factor in Alice’s life. “There is always the element of spirituality involved when a person is mentally ill. In some circles, in Native American circles, they used to consider people who were insane as potentially windows towards health. So it’s kind of a strange dichotomy.”

Alice had made the commitment to the Pre-discipleship program but admits to being a rather dogged devil’s advocate. “I get a little spunky on the debates,” she says brightening, egged on by the sheer mention of it. She adds hurriedly, “I’m not saying I disagree with the Bible.”

Hope Cottage
 Hope Cottage, located in Flagstaff, Ariz. where the temperature frequently drop below freezing through the winter, provides basic necessities to homeless women and their children free of charge. Hope Cottage serves three types of homeless women: Travelers, those who are passing through Flagstaff, Relocaters, those who plan to stay at Hope Cottage until they get back on their feet, and SSI/SSDI, those receiving social security or disability and who need lodging to get them through to their next check.

The specific expectations differ for each group, for example, Relocaters are expected to apply for four jobs each day until they secure employment. At that point Hope Cottage will meet with the woman to set up a series of personal goals to get re-established in the community.

The work week schedule is as follows:
 6:15 a.m. Staff awakens residents
7:00 a.m. Devotional in Chapel
7:30 a.m. Breakfast, assigned chores
9:00 a.m. Leave for day
4:00-6:00 p.m. Evening check-in
4:00-8:30 p.m. Relax, mandatory daily shower
6:00 p.m. Dinner
7:00 p.m. Chapel service: mandatory attendance
9:00 p.m. Lights out

Hope Cottage, along with its male counterpart Sunshine Rescue Mission, is run entirely by donations. Neither organization receives federal dollars, which means they have some flexibility when it comes to providing for homeless. With flexibility however, comes decreased stability in funding flows, and both shelters continuously hunt for donations from any source.

The stucco Hope Cottage buildings are plain, lacking any forgiving detail to their walls. There are several identical nondescript doors around the courtyard. These lead to individual rooms for the Pre-disciples and families and to dorm style rooms for other residents.

The door to the common room has been labeled in hand-painted letters with the word Chapel. Inside, the small room is crowded with four second hand couches, an easy chair, a bookshelf of Bibles and a Christmas tree. A miscellany of crafts, most with Bible passages stitched across them, adorn the walls. Women come and go through the room. One woman sleeps beneath her coat on the furthest corner couch.

Any Given Thursday
 Debbie is the staff member working on-site for the next few nights. She is no-nonsense but kind as she checks-in ladies upon their return from their day on the other side of the Hope Cottage gateway. The phone rings, the front gate buzzes, one woman needs a light bulb, bank statements are dropped off, and volunteers squeeze in to record their hours. Women who are new in-takes stand in her doorway of the tiny office receiving instructions and basic necessities.

Debbie can relate to the new in-takes. “Bed number one was mine,” she says gesturing off to the dorm style room. Now living in town, Debbie works full time at Hope Cottage while finishing her bachelor’s degree in accounting. It is almost 6:00 p.m., and she goes from room to room reminding the women that it is time for dinner.

Dinner takes place in a crowded room. Every seat at the two long tables is filled and women spill over into the kitchen. Belinda cooked tonight – tacos – the food donated from local grocery stores and the cooking lesson from her grandfather. Debbie announces that it is two tacos per adult and one taco per child. It is fairly quiet aside from the sound of eating and the hushed voices of two Navajo women conversing.

Evening Chapel is mandatory. For tonight’s Chapel there are three guest speakers from a local church. The Hope Cottage women crowd onto the couches and floor of the Chapel room. Debbie introduces their guests and encourages the women not to interrupt.

The first speaker, Victor begins with prayer and then leads into the topic of Justification, one of the three main stages in a Christian life. Justification is the birth into Christ. Sanctification follows. Sanctification is the maturing process that leads to Glorification. which is the coming home to Jesus and happens upon death. “Those who are Christian will be made honorable by the Lord. We’ll be just like Jesus.” He speaks slowly and with a level of animation that would appeal to young children. “Now, let’s look at some scripture together,” he says

He discusses the crucification of Jesus, and one of the ladies breaks in suggesting a possible twist on the ending that would have been more positive. The speaker laughs with surprise, “Well, that would be a good ending…” And then he changes his tack, “Here’s the problem with us. We have a sin nature. We actually hate God. We don’t want his statutes, his commands, his way over us. We want to do it our way.”

Alice breaks in, “We hate him?” “We do,” the Victor confirms. Another woman ask, “Who is it that we hate?” “God,” the Victor repeats. “We hate God?” she repeats with a quizzical look.

At this, Alice cannot help herself. She raises her hand. “I don’t hate God.” Victor tries to explain, “Those who are not saved….” Alice again speaks up, “As long as I’m a part of ‘we’ I’m not going to go along with that.” “OK…well let’s move on with some scripture,” Victor says.

The second speaker, Brad, starts in on the Sanctification process. He tries to relate to the women. “How many of you have tried really hard to fix things in your life yourself and you find yourself right back in the same place where you were?” There are nods all around. One woman adds on, “Or worse.” “Yeah,” he agrees. “You get up here,” and he gestures up high, “and boom.” He drops his hand down. “If you keep getting busted down in the bottom of the barrel, that’s God trying to tell you you need to realize your false justification.” There are some contrite nods from the audience now; they relate to this analogy.

The group turns to their Bibles for a few supporting passages and then with a closing prayer. The women chat, go through the donations pile for new finds and a few stand outside the small office waiting for Debbie to distribute their daily medications. 9:00 p.m. and it’s light out.

Any Given Morning
Friday morning’s Pre-discipleship class has a very different feel to it. Barb, the teacher, has each of the six woman contribute in turn. They begin by memorizing the verse for the day, and each woman recites it aloud. Then the worksheets come out. For every question there are supporting Bible verses they must identify. They go around in a circle, reading off their answers.

“I have something different,” Alice interrupts and reads her answer. “Yes, that could be the answer as well,” affirms Barb.

Edie is an older woman who peers out with sleepy eyes framed by day-glow orange hair. At one point when it is Edie’s turn she complains, “I don’t get this at all. I’m just not getting this. My answers are all wrong.” “That could be Edie, but it could just be this section. Why don’t you do the next section with us,” answers Barb. The class continues like this for an hour; the women quietly sharing their answers in a continuous circle. Occasionally Edie nods off a bit between turns, but no one disturbs her.

Class ends with an assignment for Monday, and the group begins to head out for their day. Alice is excited about the good weather off mentioning going downtown and wanting to be at the Art Walk that evening.

Judy
Judy, 44, is here from New Hampshire. Her face has a dewy quality to it and retains a youthful fullness in her cheeks. Her age is belied only by the gray tones in her sunny hair.

“My Mom and I are both here, from New Hampshire. That’s where I grew up. We were caring for 3 sick relatives, all at the same time,” she says as she shakes her head and laughs in disbelief. “We were free spirits who were kind of trapped for a while. Well, I don’t like to say trapped because we were taking care of people that we loved, but circumstances got way beyond our control,” Judy says simply and not begrudgingly.

“That went on for about 23 years. When the last one died, that was my Grandfather, we decided we needed a change. So we sold everything, got rid of everything and headed west. I mean, to make a long story short, we landed in Flagstaff, ran out of money and got stranded,” she says

They got jobs at the same ecological restoration firm which eventually closed. They found new work but could no longer afford their current rent. They realized that they also could not afford deposits to rent a new place. “What we were doing, we’d get paid, we’d stay a few nights in a motel and then we’d sleep out in the grass. Get paid again, few more nights in a hotel, do laundry, and that was just getting to be too exhausting. You can’t keep that up forever,” she shrugs.

The two made their way to Hope Cottage. “I think besides the Bible study and getting to know the Lord better, the friendships that I’ve made here, the women that I’ve met, their stories. They’re all really kind of heroic in different ways,” she says.

Judy is not sure where she sees herself in a year after completing the Pre-discipleship program. She has loved to write since she was a child, although she earned a bachelor’s degree at the University of New Hampshire in political science instead.

“It’s just completely open-ended right now. I wish I could be more specific than that, but I think that that’s one of the main things that the discipleship program is doing for me is getting me to not feel like I have to plan everything so carefully. I mean I used to make back-up plans for my back-up plans,” she says. For now, “I’m learning so many things about myself that I really didn’t know.” She becomes contemplative, “I’ve had some amazing, in this past week, some amazing healing, just in the past week I would say especially that changed. I’m kind of curious to see if it lasts,” she laughs at herself. “You know, the novelty of the whole thing.”

Judy has continued her writing at Hope Cottage. She is working on a novel and several poems. She would like to write about some of her experiences at Hope Cottage and be comfortable sharing it with the ladies. She is not holding herself to a strict timeline for that. “I mean the thing that I really like to do is write. I would like to be able to use my writing to inspire people the way I’ve been inspired since I’ve been here. It’s just been unbelievable since we’ve been here. So I am just kind of waiting, praying and waiting, listening to see where I’m led with that,” she says.

Any Given Friday
Friday night and again the dining room is packed. Other than the Pre-disciples however, the group hardly resembles the group from the night before. A woman with teary eyes stands towards the back of the crowded dinner line sniffing. She is wearing open-toed sandals and three pairs of socks.

To no one in particular she says with bewilderment, “My boyfriend and I broke down. We parked for the night, and someone called the police. He is in jail now, and they brought me here.” No one replies directly, but then the line moves forward, and she is handed a plate for dinner. Later Debbie will bring her clean sheets and blankets and double check her shoe size. If she stays at Hope Cottage for more than a week, she will do an intake with Judy Jr., but that is unlikely.

Chapel is brief that night. Debbie reads from the Bible and collects items for the prayer list. They pray. Two women are eating blue candy canes that turn their mouths to Smurf-blue which they mug for the group and giggle. The group mills about smoking, chatting, heading for the showers. Alice is no where to be seen so far this evening.

It is almost 9:00 p.m. A striking blond in her twenties finishes a coy conversation on the phone. “I just made a date with my ex-husband,” she announces. “We haven’t done this since last Christmas,” and saunters out of the room.

In the lone armchair a girl who looks to be maybe 18 glowers from behind a phone and a notebook poised to fall off her lap. She is wearing a mini-skirt and her bare legs dangle with general disinterest towards the floor. She stabs at the phone, dialing first one sponsor then another. No one answers, and she hollers into the phone at each successive answering machine. She has been clean for three weeks.

‘What step are you on?’ somebody asks. ‘Six,’ she spits out. She recites, ‘Be entirely ready to have God remove all defects of character.” And she doles out a glare to anyone who might challenge that.

The women eventually disperse to the various doors along the courtyard walls. Lights flick off, and Debbie straightens the Chapel preparing to lock up for the night. She checks that the green gate is secure. These women will stay, for tonight anyway, behind its watchful latch. Every woman is here because she is homeless and because she stood at the door of Hope Cottage and knocked. And each of those knocks was heard.

Amanda Kapp
December, 2006